Mother’s Day can be one of the hardest days of the year when you’re struggling to conceive or experiencing the loss of a miscarriage. It all too often feels like a bitter reminder of what you don’t have and most desperately long for, and it may seem as if everyone is celebrating and you’re not able to be a part of that.

I remember the emotions of shame, jealousy, humiliation, and brokenness being constantly present in my life over 10 years ago. I felt ungrateful for having one child, and not being able to do what others seemed to do so effortlessly the second time. My fears about being an older mom were coming true, and it was one of my most challenging experiences.

Understandably, it’s an exciting time to have a baby, and no one wants something unimaginable to happen, but when it does, your world can be turned upside down.

It’s often assumed that having a baby is the one thing a woman can do easily, and it’s a beautiful gift from God, which it is… until all of a sudden it becomes something denied you.

While I was able to have a baby once, I couldn’t do it again. I eventually realized it wasn’t going to be as easy as I had hoped. Even though I thought I had finally joined the mom club in my mid-30s when our first son was born, it didn’t stay that way for long when trying for our second.

You see after our first child was born, I couldn’t sustain a pregnancy past 4-5 weeks, also known as a chemical pregnancy. My body was fighting itself because there was something else going on. What was easy the first time, turned into one of the biggest challenges of my life.

Now I felt like an outlier. I had one child but wanting to have more and not being able to, I was in a whole other club now….

It was the secondary infertility club and I soon found out I wasn’t the only one. Many women were struggling with having another child, mourning the loss of more children, or dealing with a miscarriage(s).

Not only was I struggling with that, I was constantly worried about what other people would think if I only had one child. Thoughts such as “she must be selfish, she can’t handle more, she’s not quite a real mom yet, she doesn’t understand what it’s like dealing with more children.”

Your mind can become consumed with so many ugly untruths as that, but also thoughts that there must be something wrong with me and I wouldn’t be a good mommy to more than one child. Whether people were thinking that or not, I knew I needed to stop worrying about it as it was debilitating, I couldn’t control people’s thoughts any more than they controlled my thoughts. And regardless of people’s thoughts or opinions, it wasn’t true and it wouldn’t be true for other women trying to have children.

Finally, after almost two years of endless appointments, fertility treatments, ultrasounds, monitoring, and on and on and on, I needed to do something different. I couldn’t handle it physically or mentally anymore… I was at a breaking point.

So I did what I would tell anyone: I surrendered.

I stopped going to doctor appointments, trying to find out why my body was broken and how it could be fixed, and took a much-needed break back in late 2013 from the infertility community and started to live my life again.

I had to go through all the ugly feelings to let them pass. The more I tried to force myself into what I thought my grief should look like, the more intense those feelings became.

After going through the grieving process and isolating myself, it was time for me to lift my head again as there were people that I wanted to be there for. It showed me that life could still be enjoyable even when dreams change.

Plus I had other things to focus on like our precious son, and his schooling and activities as well as learning to cook more nourishing food and being more careful with my diet since I had hypothyroidism, hosting women from our church, and so forth.

I wasn’t on social media much during that time, but if it was the present day, I would probably have limited my time. There’s a tension when you’re happy for people, but also sad for yourself at the same time because pregnancy announcements seem to multiply ten-fold when you’re trying unsuccessfully to have children. It’s quite the phenomenon.

…And when I was ready again in late 2015 to look into a program that I had snubbed a couple of years before thinking it would not work, I was in a much better state of mind by the grace of God.

Although this is not the point of this article, it was called the Creighton Model which ended up showing that the excruciating pain I had that was getting worse and worse and other patterns was probably due to endometriosis.

It’s been 8 years since I had a laparoscopy done to remove that confirmed endometriosis. I found out I was pregnant approximately 2 months after that surgery and this time my body was able to sustain the pregnancy with our beautiful daughter. It was not without a few scares and issues that came up during the pregnancy and even the birth but had to continually put my trust in God.

Trials, although not something you want to endure, have always helped to prepare me for something else in the future such as life on a farm and the unexpected things and losses that happen that need to be dealt with that you weren’t planning on doing.

It also taught me to wait and be present in the moment while planning as well. Sometimes you have to wait, but you have to continue to move forward and be willing to adjust those plans if things change. I can’t control the circumstances and make things happen faster than they’re supposed to be, but be assured there is a season for everything and purpose and a plan.

Some have endured the unthinkable pain of losing a child. Many have lost their mothers and will forever miss being able to spend this day with her or call them on the phone. Others may hardly feel like this day is worth celebrating. And then some long to experience the joy that comes from hearing the pitter-patter of little feet, the artwork on the fridge, and the whisper of, “I love you, Mommy.”

This post is not meant to minimize the importance of this special day. I get to celebrate some wonderful women in my life thankfully, however, it’s important to acknowledge that for some people, this day can be difficult due to grief, loss, and/or infertility. Mother’s Day can serve as a painful reminder of what has not happened yet, never will, or is no longer possible.

My thoughts and prayers are with you if this is a difficult time of year for you.

Warmly,

Tessa